I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
