Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
