I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
