I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
