your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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