the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
