I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
