Even the bartender felt bad for me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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