Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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