thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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