I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
