I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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