Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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