Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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