Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
