This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
