nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
