I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
