I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
