Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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