I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
