fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
