FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
