I just saw a hot homeless man
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
