I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
