Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
