I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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