i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
