I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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