I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
