i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
