If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize