sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
