i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
