he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
