Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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