There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
