Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
try to milk me bitch
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