Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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