considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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