Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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