i think i have two assholes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
