Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
