how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
