Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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