I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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