I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
