I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
