I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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