Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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