Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
