I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
