Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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