Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Enjoy the penises
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
