he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
