Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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