sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
