meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
