You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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